I'm Ready to Get Off This Ride

Today has been such a roller coaster of emotions. Depression, anger, sadness, guilt.

Taking care of Dad has been harder than I thought it would be. It has triggered some anxiety (which had been under control) and has made me doubt myself as a caretaker.

My depression has eased up for the most part since after Christmas, but today it came roaring back. I feel like I can't do this, can't care for Dad day after day and keep up with all that is needed. I even felt like I didn't want to do it anymore. Why did this have to happen? The unfairness of it all had me wanting to run away. I was already feeling guilty about stuff I didn't get done for work; how could I do it all?

Then the sadness started. It washed over me. I want to pursue my dreams, but I can't. There isn't time or resources. Why couldn't I go back in time to when it was just me and Sebastian living alone? The tears fell.

Then Dad called out, "Can anybody hear me? I have to go to the bathroom." My heart sank. How could I consider not doing this job? My Daddy needs me. It breaks my heart knowing he is living like this. He doesn't deserve it. That's the part that is really unfair. I felt guilty for my earlier selfishness.

I hate the way life is going right now. I know it will get better some day, but I wish it was better now.

Welcome 2014!

2013 was a rough year. I struggled with depression for pretty much the entire year. There were many times when I thought it would never get better and I would spend my life in a fog of sadness, guilt, and melancholy.

Sometime in December, I finally felt the fog lift. I am hesitant to believe it will last, but I'm grateful for the weight that is off my chest, allowing me to enjoy life.

I am hopeful that 2014 will be better. I know there will be struggles. Between Dad's two types of cancer and Mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis, I'm going to be busy taking care of them. While I'm caring for them, I'm going to try to remember to be grateful for the opportunity to have them close.

It was hard for me to take care of myself this year. Hell, it was hard for me to take a shower sometimes. I want to do a better job of that in 2014. My body needs better nutrition, much more activity, and attempts at serenity. In order to reach that goal, I'm going to try yoga. I don't know if I'll stick with it (I won't feel bad about it if I don't) but I'm at least going to give it a try.

I haven't met my reading goals for the last two years. It's been hard for me to sit and enjoy a book. I'm going to try to get back on track in the new year. I love to read and can't wait to have that piece of happiness back. I have stacks of books just waiting for me to open them up and get lost in them.

Of course, there are the kitties. Not just mine, but the ones at Wayside Waifs. I hope to give them all the love they need.

I wish for all of my friends and family a happy, healthy, and enjoyable new year.

My Christmas Wish

I've always loved Christmas. All the sparkle and lights make me giddy. I've been looking forward to having our first Christmas in our new home since we first found it. I was planning on where to put our tree before the other owner's furniture was even gone.

Now that's it's here, I'm not as joyful as I had hoped. I'm trying, though. I'm grasping at every little bit of holiday cheer that I can.

I have a lot to look forward to in the next month. First, a friend is coming to visit for a long weekend. The next weekend, my nephew and his family will be here to celebrate Christmas. Then, on Christmas Eve, my niece and her family are coming and will spend the night with us.

My wish for the season is that I'm able to be in the moment for all of these events. They will be so full of fun and love; I don't want to miss out on that. I feel like I'm missing out on so much by spending so much time and effort fighting depression. I miss life.

That's all I want for Christmas.

Time to Take a New Step

I've been thinking about this for a while, but I'm finally going to do it. Tomorrow I'm going to call my doctor and ask her to recommend a therapist.

Things are incredibly stressful at home. My Mom isn't doing well at all. Her memory is getting worse and of course, she doesn't realize it. When I point something out that we've talked about, she insists that we haven't and gets mad at me. We all walk on eggshells around her but she's in a foul mood almost all of the time. I'm going to call her doctor as well and see if we can get her scheduled sooner to go in for testing.

Because of all of the tension, hubby and I are not getting along. Sometimes it's an all-out argument, but usually it's snapping at each other or cold treatment. Our littlest kitty, Lowenstein, hasn't been well lately. We're sure it's due to the tension. He's a very sensitive boy and he's bound to pick up on all the negativity.

I feel like I need a new way to cope with all of this. I hope seeing a therapist can help. I'm sure it will help me deal with my depression and any amount of relief will be welcome.

The Difficulty That Is Life

On one level, I've been feeling much better lately. I don't feel depressed as often and my anxiety is completely under control.

Then there is the other level. Life is hard right now. I want so badly to go off by myself and cry.

Mom's memory is getting worse. I have to explain Dad's health issues to her over and over again. I have to remind her to not feed the cats at night. She forgets something that I've told her not more that 10 minutes before. It breaks my heart to have to go through this with her.

I don't even know where to start when it comes to Dad's health. We don't have the full picture yet, but the things they're checking on scare me. He's my daddy and I don't want him to be sick.

We're still struggling financially even though Lee is back to work. I know we have more than many people do, but I hate worrying about the bills all the time.

None of this is out of the ordinary and there are certainly other people out there dealing with the same stuff-or worse! Still, I can't help but wish I could have a break. Just a breather, some time without someone needing something from me.

Until that time comes, I'll just have to keep going.

Hard Days Ahead

Last night it hit me that the one year anniversary of Sebastian's passing is coming up in a couple of weeks-June 16 to be exact. Needless to say, when I realized how close it was, I lost it. Sadness & despair washed over me and I started crying, hard.

I so wish I could stop time. I don't want it to be that long ago that Seb was with me; sitting on my lap, cuddling with me in bed, meowing at me to pick him up and hold him. I feel like the more time that passes, the less real he becomes. I would give anything to have him back. I want to hear his purr again and be able to give him kisses-right on the lips the way he liked them.

 

I know the next two weeks are going to be very difficult for me. The anticipation of the date will be gut-wrenching. My doctor reminded me during our last visit that if I felt I was going through a difficult time, I could increase my dose of Lexapro so I'm going to start taking an extra half tablet today. I'm going to try to remember to take care of myself and do things that I enjoy.

Sebastian would want me to keep helping homeless pets, so I'm going to make a point of volunteering in his memory. I know that no matter how deep my grief is, I can't bring him back. But I can use my love for him to do good in the world.

By The Way, I Have Depression. No Big Deal.

I had a meeting yesterday with my two partners and a couple of local law enforcement officers. It was just a regular day. Much better than the day before.

After the meeting, we were standing around talking about a recent law enforcement suicide. Although the suicide was not a result of depression, but of a triggering event (as is typical with law enforcement suicide) it brought up the topic of depression and mental illness.

In a nonchalant, matter of fact way, I said, "I deal with depression, blah, blah, blah." It was no big deal. I said it just like it was nothing to be ashamed of...to a couple of cops!

I can't tell you how good it felt to just say it. I'm not trying to hide it, I'm not trying to make an issue out of it, it's just a fact of my everyday life. Some people have migraines, some have depression. I fall into the depression category.

I feel like it was a huge step for me. I've come to accept depression as a part of my life. I'm fighting it out in the open now.

Keeping Up With Life

Is is really November already? Wow. It feels like it was just yesterday I was trying to squeeze in pool time or deck time and now the holidays are upon us.

I'm not sure how the holidays will be for me this year. Since losing my boy Sebastian, everything feels odd. I love our new kitty, Harvey, but my bond with Seb was special. I can't believe he isn't with me anymore.

My grief over losing Sebastian has created some confusion with me in regards to my depression. It was hard for me to tell the difference between the two. After a little time had passed after Seb went over the Rainbow Bridge, I realized that I was feeling "normal" again. It came as quite a surprise to me. I had forgotten what it felt like to not feel depressed. However, times would come along when I would feel sadness over Sebastian and it would scare me. I felt like I was slipping into the darkness again. Instead of lasting for days at a time, though, it would slow me down for a day, then things would feel normal again.

Work has been easier and I'm feeling better about my performance there. I've been able to do more around the house as well. It's hard to believe how happy I am to make dinner AND clean up the kitchen! So yes, I would say that I'm keeping up with life. I hope it continues and I hope I can enjoy the holidays as much as I normally do.

Progress Despite Devastation

Many of you already know about the apartment fire that we experienced back in February. The entire building was completely destroyed and we lost everything. I was able to get our pets out safely so we still have our little family. That is truly all that matters.

Surprisingly, the tragedy didn't cause any setbacks in my emotional issues. I guess I must handle a crisis well, because I expected my mood to become very dark, but it never did. In fact, since the fire, I have only experienced two depressed days and two days with unexplained anxiety.

The fire has certainly given me a new perspective. Things may not always be there-it's the memories that you need to hold onto tightly. I know that good will come out of the devastation. In fact, it already has. I've seen so much kindness and caring, not just from friends, but from complete strangers, too. It has warmed my heart and I promise to pay it forward.

I've never been one to step outside of my comfort zone. I'm trying to do a bit more of that. I'm hoping that it will help me in my journey out of darkness as well as live a fuller life.

I can't thank everyone enough for all that they have done for us. Thank you notes are (slowly) getting sent out, but the words seem to fall short. I hope that by living a life of gratitude, happiness and helping others, that will in some way show my thanks.

Two Weeks In-Am I Getting Better Yet?

I've been on the prescribed antidepressant for a full two weeks now. I've noticed a slight improvement, but have had several rough days. My hubby said I have to be patient, that it's too soon to expect much. I know he's right, but geez, I'm so anxious to finally feel better.

The improvement has come in a surprising place-food. I haven't been satisfied by anything that I have eaten in a while. Food doesn't taste good and my appetite has been out of whack. I will eat a meal, usually not finishing it, and go looking for something else shortly afterward. I end up eating crackers or chips because that's the only thing that sounds decent. Not to mention the effort of cooking and cleaning up is just not something I feel like I can tackle most days. About a week into taking the meds I cooked a meal for myself...and it was good! I really enjoyed it. Then it just kept happening, the food I was eating tasted good on a consistent basis.

I'm hoping this will help me drop some weight, too. Maybe now I will eat regular meals and stop looking for something to eat throughout the day.

I can't wait for the day to come where I'm feeling good all day long. I know it's a process and I'm just glad that I've seen a glimmer of what's to come.

My Diamonds, For the World to See

I'm not sure where to start, mostly because I'm not sure when it started.

All I know is, I haven't felt consistently happy in a long time. Now, I'm not sad all the time and I certainly have some very good days, but things have been a struggle for months at the very least; more likely years.

I have no motivation. I cry for no reason other than I feel sad. I feel like people don't like me-that I'm insignificant. I can't sleep at night and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

"Oh, what the hell," she says, "I just can't win for losin'," and she lays back down.

I feel like I'm not good at anything: blogging, my job, being a wife, you name it.

"Man, there's so many times I don't know what I'm doin', like I don't know now."

Then there's the worry. Worry that has turned into anxiety. I've always had a fear of dying, but it's gotten worse. What if I walk out the door and never come back? Will my husband know how I pay the bills? Will he know how to order the cat food? What about my cat-I would have abandoned him. Who would take care of my parents? Would my online friends ever know what happened to me? Would they notice? I worry about all the things I haven't gotten done when I haven't had the motivation to do them.

I don't just worry about myself. I worry about my parents, my husband, my dad's dog, and my cat. I'm afraid to leave the windows open on a nice day because I think my cat will fall asleep on the sill, lean against the screen, the screen will give way and he will fall out of the window, two stories up. This isn't a fleeting thought-the worry is persistant and I can't make it stop.

Last week I had a meltdown over a couple of small pieces of furniture my husband moved. It wasn't the fact that he moved things around, but the pieces being in different places made me feel...I don't know. Bad? Nervous? Anxious? None of those feelings make sense, but there was a negative feeling. I knew that day I couldn't keep going on like this.

And she says, "Ohhh, I can't take no more." Her tears like diamonds on the floor.

I made an appointment with my doctor. I was nervous about telling someone other than my husband what I had been dealing with. I was embarrassed and I felt weak. I certainly didn't want to be put on medication. I felt like if I was on medication, I wouldn't be myself, but then, the person I have been lately is not good, so why would I want to be me anymore? Medication became more of an option. What really convinced me though, was my husband's thoughts on medication. He told me to think of it like when a person needs an antibiotic. You're sick, you take medicine for a while, you get better, then you stop taking the med. Made sense to me!

My doctor was wonderful, as she has always been. I told her all the gory details, crying the whole time. She talked to me about normalcy of my emotions and assured me that I would get better. She put me on two meds: one to ease my depressed feelings and anxiety, plus a second to help me sleep and get back on a regular sleep schedule. She told me I would start feeling better in a week or two.

If she can find daylight, then she'll be all right, she'll be all right, just not tonight.

I hope that by opening up about this I can accomplish two things. First, I hope that it helps speed the healing process. I'm sure holding it in, trying to hide it and cover it up can't be good for me. Second, I hope I can help give someone else the courage needed to open up and get help if they are feeling scared, embarrassed, and weak like I was. The only way to erase the stigma associated with depression and anxiety is to come forward and be honest about it.

I would like to share something a twitter friend told me a few months ago that I hold onto: "Depression lies to you." Thank you Jenny "The Bloggess" Lawson. That is now my battle cry.

Not only do I have a battle cry, but I have a theme song for this battle. "Her Diamonds" by Rob Thomas gives me hope. Just like the lyric above from the song says, I know I'll be all right. Just not tonight.