One Year Without My Baby

It's hard to believe that a year ago today, I had to give the go ahead to have Sebastian euthanized. It had been a roller coaster week; first thinking we had a diagnosis, then we didn't; every day a new test with inconclusive results; thinking he was getting better, then being told he would have to stay in the hospital "another day".

 When we finally took him home on Friday, I hoped that familiar surroundings would make him more comfortable and that he would start to eat. Unfortunately, he didn't. I syringe fed him and every time I hated myself for it. He obviously didn't want it, but I wanted him to rally, to fight. His little body just couldn't.

As I sat in the bathroom with him, watching his labored breathing, I knew neither he nor I could go on like that. I didn't want to give up, but I couldn't let him linger any longer.

I know that the decision I made to help him to the Rainbow Bridge was the right one. It still feels completely unfair to me, though.

We only had two years together. He was only nine years old. He didn't get to move into the house I promised him and we eventually bought. I didn't get to have him there to cuddle with on the hard days. Funny, the times I needed him the most to comfort me were the days that were a struggle because I missed him so much.

I know as pet owners, this is what we have to go through. This loss has been so much harder on me though. I've told people that as hard as the fire was, I'd rather go through that 10 times than have to lose my Sebastian.

My heart still feels ripped apart. The emptiness is sometimes a dull ache, sometimes a quick sting, and other times an acute pain that seems to be unending.

I've had friends who have recently lost beloved pets. I pray for them that they don't grieve the way I have, that they find comfort quicker than I have.

Although the emotions are still raw, I'm ever so grateful to have had such an amazing soul in my life. I was blessed with a muse, a friend, and a daily comfort. As much as it hurts, I wouldn't go back and not have that precious boy in my life to avoid the pain.

We'll meet again someday. It will feel like forever to me, but for him it will happen in the blink of an eye. Then we'll spend eternity together.

Hard Days Ahead

Last night it hit me that the one year anniversary of Sebastian's passing is coming up in a couple of weeks-June 16 to be exact. Needless to say, when I realized how close it was, I lost it. Sadness & despair washed over me and I started crying, hard.

I so wish I could stop time. I don't want it to be that long ago that Seb was with me; sitting on my lap, cuddling with me in bed, meowing at me to pick him up and hold him. I feel like the more time that passes, the less real he becomes. I would give anything to have him back. I want to hear his purr again and be able to give him kisses-right on the lips the way he liked them.

 

I know the next two weeks are going to be very difficult for me. The anticipation of the date will be gut-wrenching. My doctor reminded me during our last visit that if I felt I was going through a difficult time, I could increase my dose of Lexapro so I'm going to start taking an extra half tablet today. I'm going to try to remember to take care of myself and do things that I enjoy.

Sebastian would want me to keep helping homeless pets, so I'm going to make a point of volunteering in his memory. I know that no matter how deep my grief is, I can't bring him back. But I can use my love for him to do good in the world.

Sebastian Is So Helpful!

I first began blogging at Posterous. Since they are shutting down in April, I decided to move the few posts I had on that site to this blog. This was originally posted August 12, 2010.

Hey Mom, let me hold down this corner for you while you make the bed! I'm a good boy, don't ya think?