Hard Days Ahead

Last night it hit me that the one year anniversary of Sebastian's passing is coming up in a couple of weeks-June 16 to be exact. Needless to say, when I realized how close it was, I lost it. Sadness & despair washed over me and I started crying, hard.

I so wish I could stop time. I don't want it to be that long ago that Seb was with me; sitting on my lap, cuddling with me in bed, meowing at me to pick him up and hold him. I feel like the more time that passes, the less real he becomes. I would give anything to have him back. I want to hear his purr again and be able to give him kisses-right on the lips the way he liked them.

 

I know the next two weeks are going to be very difficult for me. The anticipation of the date will be gut-wrenching. My doctor reminded me during our last visit that if I felt I was going through a difficult time, I could increase my dose of Lexapro so I'm going to start taking an extra half tablet today. I'm going to try to remember to take care of myself and do things that I enjoy.

Sebastian would want me to keep helping homeless pets, so I'm going to make a point of volunteering in his memory. I know that no matter how deep my grief is, I can't bring him back. But I can use my love for him to do good in the world.

Healing Can Surprise You

The most devastating thing about the fire was that I lost my precious pets' ashes. When I lost them it was like I lost my pets all over again. I often think that if I could go back and do one thing different, I would grab their urns instead of my gun and badge.

One person was able to ease the pain a bit. My friend Dorian reminded me that they were always in my heart and they would always be where all the love was.

Today, I think I found my way to healing my broken heart. Sadly, it came from someone else's loss, but life is funny that way. A kitty named Parker went Over the Rainbow Bridge after a battle with cancer. Her owner posted an essay on her blog that was a twist on Ben Hur Lampman's "Where To Bury a Dog." I cried all the way through, but they were tears of healing.

I may not have the ashes and collars of my OTRB pets anymore, but I still hold them in my heart. They are with me forever that way.

Thank you Parker. May you run free OTRB without pain.

My Boy Oscar

Three years ago today I lost my beautiful borzoi, Oscar, to cancer. Thinking about it still makes me cry. My heart broke every day for three weeks, from the day we got the diagnosis until the day I helped him go to the Rainbow Bridge. It feels just as raw today.

Oscar was not the first dog I had to have put down. My childhood dog, Crystal, had to be put down, but she was different. She was old and had a good, long life. It was sad, but not unexpected. Oscar was only 8 years old and I felt like cancer robbed him of many more good years-it certainly robbed me of them.

I watched him hobble around those three weeks, knowing what was coming. I spent many cold evenings sitting on the garage floor with him, because he didn't like to come inside. He got extra treats and tons of hugs. I even ordered a special dinner at a Mexican restaurant one night, knowing I would take half of it home to him.

I sat on the floor with him at the vet's office on Halloween day, 2007 while he passed on. The vet assured me that I was right, it was time. He had declined dramatically in those three weeks. I hope he's running in the fields at the Rainbow Bridge today, strong and brave, watching over me.

In his memory, I had a portrait painted last year by my wonderful friend BZTAT. It hangs in my dining room, where I can see it from the kitchen and living room. Seeing his smile on my wall every day makes me happy. It was some of the best money I ever spent. BZTAT also put together this wonderful video, "Love That Never Grows Old", which I am honored to say, contains Oscar's portrait (look for him around the 00:58 mark). It makes me feel good that other people are able to see his regal face, even if they don't know our story.

I love you Oscar dog. There will never be another like you. I'm glad we had that time together.

The last picture I took of Oscar.

R.I.P. Ariel Marie

Ariel Marie is now at the Rainbow Bridge.

She was at the shelter where I volunteer for just a short while. I can't tell you why exactly, but I fell in love with her. I never had the chance to pet her as she hadn't gotten her blood work done to be tested for various diseases and I didn't want to risk exposing my kitty at home to anything. She was always a little crabby and it took her a while to begin eating after being left there.

She was in the room called the "Kitty Den", a place not open to the public. She wasn't officially up for adoption because she was being boarded. Her family had lost their home and was not able to keep her. The shelter took her in with the understanding that after some time, she may be put up for adoption. Unfortunately, that wasn't able to happen.

When I went to the shelter this past week, I asked another volunteer about her and if she had been adopted. That's when I got the sad news. Apparently, Ariel Marie had quit eating and upon examination, she had many sores in her mouth that weren't healing. This reminded me of my kitty in Wichita who passed away in June. He had the same symptoms before he went to the Rainbow Bridge. In fact, that may be part of why I instantly took a liking to Ms. Ariel Marie. She bore a slight resemblance to my Rosie boy.

Rest well, Ariel Marie. I hope you and Rosie met at the bridge and are chasing bugs together until I am able to meet you there.