Sunday, June 16, 2013

One Year Without My Baby

It's hard to believe that a year ago today, I had to give the go ahead to have Sebastian euthanized. It had been a roller coaster week; first thinking we had a diagnosis, then we didn't; every day a new test with inconclusive results; thinking he was getting better, then being told he would have to stay in the hospital "another day".

 When we finally took him home on Friday, I hoped that familiar surroundings would make him more comfortable and that he would start to eat. Unfortunately, he didn't. I syringe fed him and every time I hated myself for it. He obviously didn't want it, but I wanted him to rally, to fight. His little body just couldn't.

As I sat in the bathroom with him, watching his labored breathing, I knew neither he nor I could go on like that. I didn't want to give up, but I couldn't let him linger any longer.

I know that the decision I made to help him to the Rainbow Bridge was the right one. It still feels completely unfair to me, though.

We only had two years together. He was only nine years old. He didn't get to move into the house I promised him and we eventually bought. I didn't get to have him there to cuddle with on the hard days. Funny, the times I needed him the most to comfort me were the days that were a struggle because I missed him so much.

I know as pet owners, this is what we have to go through. This loss has been so much harder on me though. I've told people that as hard as the fire was, I'd rather go through that 10 times than have to lose my Sebastian.

My heart still feels ripped apart. The emptiness is sometimes a dull ache, sometimes a quick sting, and other times an acute pain that seems to be unending.

I've had friends who have recently lost beloved pets. I pray for them that they don't grieve the way I have, that they find comfort quicker than I have.

Although the emotions are still raw, I'm ever so grateful to have had such an amazing soul in my life. I was blessed with a muse, a friend, and a daily comfort. As much as it hurts, I wouldn't go back and not have that precious boy in my life to avoid the pain.

We'll meet again someday. It will feel like forever to me, but for him it will happen in the blink of an eye. Then we'll spend eternity together.


  1. He will always be what I call "your soul cat". Everyone should be so blessed to have at least one in their own lifetime. You were his "soul person".

  2. I'm so sorry it's still so painful for you. You gave him a wonderful life, though a short one, so don't second guess yourself. He loved you and Lee as much as you loved him. Till you meet again. Hug.

  3. *hugs*

    we each grieve in our own way, and there is no right way or wrong way.. but I can feel for you that it still hurts so acutely.

    and thank you for sharing because it is people like you who make it easier for me to continue fostering. all too often I run across people with pets who seem to care more for their furniture than their cats and it kills me. Being reminded that there are people like you allow me to keep going on.

  4. I am blessed my "soul cat" is still with me. I have had 15 years with her and I don't have a clue how I will go on without her. She has saved my life a billion times over.