Friday, April 4, 2014

I'm Ready to Get Off This Ride

Today has been such a roller coaster of emotions. Depression, anger, sadness, guilt.

Taking care of Dad has been harder than I thought it would be. It has triggered some anxiety (which had been under control) and has made me doubt myself as a caretaker.

My depression has eased up for the most part since after Christmas, but today it came roaring back. I feel like I can't do this, can't care for Dad day after day and keep up with all that is needed. I even felt like I didn't want to do it anymore. Why did this have to happen? The unfairness of it all had me wanting to run away. I was already feeling guilty about stuff I didn't get done for work; how could I do it all?

Then the sadness started. It washed over me. I want to pursue my dreams, but I can't. There isn't time or resources. Why couldn't I go back in time to when it was just me and Sebastian living alone? The tears fell.

Then Dad called out, "Can anybody hear me? I have to go to the bathroom." My heart sank. How could I consider not doing this job? My Daddy needs me. It breaks my heart knowing he is living like this. He doesn't deserve it. That's the part that is really unfair. I felt guilty for my earlier selfishness.

I hate the way life is going right now. I know it will get better some day, but I wish it was better now.

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