Monday, February 6, 2012

My Diamonds, For the World to See

I'm not sure where to start, mostly because I'm not sure when it started.

All I know is, I haven't felt consistently happy in a long time. Now, I'm not sad all the time and I certainly have some very good days, but things have been a struggle for months at the very least; more likely years.

I have no motivation. I cry for no reason other than I feel sad. I feel like people don't like me-that I'm insignificant. I can't sleep at night and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

"Oh, what the hell," she says, "I just can't win for losin'," and she lays back down.

I feel like I'm not good at anything: blogging, my job, being a wife, you name it.

"Man, there's so many times I don't know what I'm doin', like I don't know now."

Then there's the worry. Worry that has turned into anxiety. I've always had a fear of dying, but it's gotten worse. What if I walk out the door and never come back? Will my husband know how I pay the bills? Will he know how to order the cat food? What about my cat-I would have abandoned him. Who would take care of my parents? Would my online friends ever know what happened to me? Would they notice? I worry about all the things I haven't gotten done when I haven't had the motivation to do them.

I don't just worry about myself. I worry about my parents, my husband, my dad's dog, and my cat. I'm afraid to leave the windows open on a nice day because I think my cat will fall asleep on the sill, lean against the screen, the screen will give way and he will fall out of the window, two stories up. This isn't a fleeting thought-the worry is persistant and I can't make it stop.

Last week I had a meltdown over a couple of small pieces of furniture my husband moved. It wasn't the fact that he moved things around, but the pieces being in different places made me feel...I don't know. Bad? Nervous? Anxious? None of those feelings make sense, but there was a negative feeling. I knew that day I couldn't keep going on like this.

And she says, "Ohhh, I can't take no more." Her tears like diamonds on the floor.

I made an appointment with my doctor. I was nervous about telling someone other than my husband what I had been dealing with. I was embarrassed and I felt weak. I certainly didn't want to be put on medication. I felt like if I was on medication, I wouldn't be myself, but then, the person I have been lately is not good, so why would I want to be me anymore? Medication became more of an option. What really convinced me though, was my husband's thoughts on medication. He told me to think of it like when a person needs an antibiotic. You're sick, you take medicine for a while, you get better, then you stop taking the med. Made sense to me!

My doctor was wonderful, as she has always been. I told her all the gory details, crying the whole time. She talked to me about normalcy of my emotions and assured me that I would get better. She put me on two meds: one to ease my depressed feelings and anxiety, plus a second to help me sleep and get back on a regular sleep schedule. She told me I would start feeling better in a week or two.

If she can find daylight, then she'll be all right, she'll be all right, just not tonight.

I hope that by opening up about this I can accomplish two things. First, I hope that it helps speed the healing process. I'm sure holding it in, trying to hide it and cover it up can't be good for me. Second, I hope I can help give someone else the courage needed to open up and get help if they are feeling scared, embarrassed, and weak like I was. The only way to erase the stigma associated with depression and anxiety is to come forward and be honest about it.

I would like to share something a twitter friend told me a few months ago that I hold onto: "Depression lies to you." Thank you Jenny "The Bloggess" Lawson. That is now my battle cry.

Not only do I have a battle cry, but I have a theme song for this battle. "Her Diamonds" by Rob Thomas gives me hope. Just like the lyric above from the song says, I know I'll be all right. Just not tonight.


  1. You are very brave to open up! Big hugs for you sweety. My mom got depressed after having several miscarriages. Meds helped her too. So did her living husband . XxooDazeecat

  2. Depression is a HUGE liar. Typist has fought with it all her life. Going to get help was exactly the right thing to do. Good for you! That's especially hard when you're too depressed to be motivated. So give yourself an extra pat on the back. Hang in there. Typist says you can always give her a shout too. *ducky hugs*

  3. You have all of my support and cat head butts. I have fought the black dog all my life and will continue to do so. Write, call, tweet when you need to.


  4. Hear the roar, and yes depression is a lying jerk

    well done for seeing the lies

  5. Like Wanda my black dog is a relentless enemy.Seeking help is a huge step.Pasihuggs

  6. Good for you for taking the steps that will help you get where you want to be. And yes, depression is an ugly, lying, rude thing. We are a tribe, and together we will survive.

  7. Dear Amy...I have a lump in my throat and what thoughts come to mind is how I felt when I lost my husband...felt like screaming in the grocery store the first time I went out after he died. It seemed like everyone was smiling and happy and I was close to hysteria. I gradually realized that one never knows the grief that the person in line ahead of you has endured...and meeting you at BlogPaws...I never knew. Now I do and somehow feel more connected and hope you know I am a good listener and you can call me, anytime... and I hope the darkness and depression can lift and you can feel light again soon...

  8. Brava for getting help and even more for bravely blogging of your struggles. From one who has been there, and still occasionally visits the land of depression. Love and hugs.

  9. There are so many of us who have struggled with depression all our lives. And you've taken the first step - you asked for help. There are many people who care about you and want to help you - your husband, your family and your friends (online and off). Hang in there, take it a day at a time, and remember you are not alone. xo

  10. The biggest step IS asking for help. You are not alone, we are all here to support each other thur the fight. I couldn't help but giggle about worring about the cat falling out the window. I too often found myself worring about the cat falling out the window, crawling into a heater duct, chewing on an electrical cord, all rediculouse ideas but still I could not stop them from running thru the mind. Thank you for sharing. Much love - a fellow cat worrier

  11. Wow, I'm so grateful for all the support. Thank you all. I can't tell you how much all of your words strengthen me.

  12. Let me know when you plan on throwing Sebastian out the window and I'll come catch him! :) Just kiding! You know where to find me if you want someone to laugh at or just want to chat.

  13. I'm so glad you linked to this post on facebook day before yesterday - somehow I missed this earlier.
    I wanted to wait until work got less crazy and I could respond with the thoughtfulness & respect this deserves....

    You are one of the people I respect the most in this world - and I count you as one of my closest friends. I'm amazed at your courage and transparency, and agree with Jenny: depression's a Big Fat Liar, because you are NONE of the things you worry about being!

    But have a more high risk job than most, you often see a seedier side of life than most - these things can add up. I am not in any way trying to diminish the depression but sometimes I think you'd be crazy if you *didn't* have a bit more anxiety than most.

    (and I think we've all been there with the worries about our kitties - our 'logical' mind may scoff that we're being ridiculous, but where emotions are engaged, logic often flees. Ask me about all the silly worries I had about Faraday going to the vet yesterday!)

    I'm with Kathi & Wanda & for you any time, whether it's to laugh or cry. Or to catch Sebastian. :-)

  14. I missed your post on FB and just came upon it tonight. You're so brave to come forward w/your fears and it's wonderful that you're able to ask for help and thankfully you have a wonderful support system. Take good care, it will all work out.
    Theresa (using Pru's acct.)