I have been having some serious doubts lately, mostly centered on my job. Could I really do the job? Was I just fooling myself? Did I make a mistake pursuing this line of work?
Then, I really got scared. I was called upon to do something I had never done before, something that two of my coworkers usually did instead. I had been exposed to this part of the job, but I was never responsible for a case myself. I got the call yesterday and a coworker, who knew I wasn't comfortable with the task and tried to find somebody else to do it, said, "You're it girl." The doubts were enormous, anxiety kicking in.
I panicked and texted yet another coworker and told her what I was about to do. She called within 5 minutes and said she would come and help me. The other coworker told me to call with any questions or concerns during the task. The other people I would be working with would be able to guide me.
I delayed as long as I could, then I made my way to the location of my task. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was incredibly tense. Once there, I realized that I would be doing a lot of standing around. My coworker arrived and I felt a great sense of relief. Soon, we got down to business.
As the day went on, there were numerous questions and phone calls, one coworker coaching from afar. I was constantly worried about what might happen, how I would handle one situation or another. My neck and shoulders were so tense, I couldn't turn my head to look at someone, instead I turned my entire upper body. Eventually, the day ended. I got through the task that had frightened me so much just a few hours earlier. Successfully. All those doubts? I suddenly felt silly for having them.
I know they'll come back, though. They always do. And, as always, I'll realize that I have a wonderful team surrounding me, supporting me, teaching me. I'll keep going on this roller coaster of emotions until one day (hopefully) I'll understand that I'm in this place for a reason.