I have been having some serious doubts lately, mostly centered on my job. Could I really do the job? Was I just fooling myself? Did I make a mistake pursuing this line of work?
Then, I really got scared. I was called upon to do something I had never done before, something that two of my coworkers usually did instead. I had been exposed to this part of the job, but I was never responsible for a case myself. I got the call yesterday and a coworker, who knew I wasn't comfortable with the task and tried to find somebody else to do it, said, "You're it girl." The doubts were enormous, anxiety kicking in.
I panicked and texted yet another coworker and told her what I was about to do. She called within 5 minutes and said she would come and help me. The other coworker told me to call with any questions or concerns during the task. The other people I would be working with would be able to guide me.
I delayed as long as I could, then I made my way to the location of my task. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was incredibly tense. Once there, I realized that I would be doing a lot of standing around. My coworker arrived and I felt a great sense of relief. Soon, we got down to business.
As the day went on, there were numerous questions and phone calls, one coworker coaching from afar. I was constantly worried about what might happen, how I would handle one situation or another. My neck and shoulders were so tense, I couldn't turn my head to look at someone, instead I turned my entire upper body. Eventually, the day ended. I got through the task that had frightened me so much just a few hours earlier. Successfully. All those doubts? I suddenly felt silly for having them.
I know they'll come back, though. They always do. And, as always, I'll realize that I have a wonderful team surrounding me, supporting me, teaching me. I'll keep going on this roller coaster of emotions until one day (hopefully) I'll understand that I'm in this place for a reason.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Letting Go of a Dream
For many years, I longed to have a career in federal law enforcement, but today, on my 36th birthday, I am letting go of that dream.
I remember the first time I realized I wanted to be in federal law enforcement. I was in grad school, pursuing my Master's degree in Criminal Justice, planning to go to law school once I graduated. Then, in April of 2000, I watched the video of INS agents removing Elian Gonzalez from his relatives' home. That was the first real seed that was planted. That was when I gained some direction. I wanted to be an INS agent.
After graduating with my Master's degree, I applied for many different jobs in different branches of federal law enforcement. Each one was a long process. I tested for at least four different positions. I began to get frustrated with the process. A state law enforcement job presented itself and I applied, thinking that it would be the last law enforcement job I would apply for. If I didn't get the job, I decided I would go to pharmacy school instead.
As luck would have it, the state hired me. I went through the law enforcement academy then, three weeks before graduation, I got a call for an interview for a federal law enforcement position in Dallas, TX. After much consideration, I decided that I wanted to give the job I had a fair shot and I passed on the interview, thinking that I had an opportunity to gain some experience before applying with the feds again later on.
At the time, I was 33 years old. To be eligible for a federal law enforcement position, you have to be hired before your 37th birthday. I figured I had plenty of time.
Time came and went and I was enjoying my job as a state law enforcement agent. I was tempted many times to apply with the feds, but I never did. I can't tell you how much time I spent looking at job descriptions and thinking about attending the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center. I looked at the life my best friend had as a federal employee and was once again tempted. I still did not apply.
Last week I attended a training session at which an FBI agent spoke. She showed pictures of the countries she had visited as part of her job and I once again felt that familiar tug. "I still have time," I thought. "I still have a year to go after this." Later, I told my husband about her and he could sense what I was thinking. "Is that what you want to do?" he asked. I thought for a second and responded, "It was once, but it isn't now." I realized in that moment, that if I was going to leave the job that I have now (which, by the way, allows me incredible flexibility and freedom) I was going to do so for a different dream.
I felt a little sad as I realized I was letting a dream die. But it is the right thing to do. I need to focus on other dreams, things I am actually more passionate about. So today is the day that I let go of a dream.
I remember the first time I realized I wanted to be in federal law enforcement. I was in grad school, pursuing my Master's degree in Criminal Justice, planning to go to law school once I graduated. Then, in April of 2000, I watched the video of INS agents removing Elian Gonzalez from his relatives' home. That was the first real seed that was planted. That was when I gained some direction. I wanted to be an INS agent.
After graduating with my Master's degree, I applied for many different jobs in different branches of federal law enforcement. Each one was a long process. I tested for at least four different positions. I began to get frustrated with the process. A state law enforcement job presented itself and I applied, thinking that it would be the last law enforcement job I would apply for. If I didn't get the job, I decided I would go to pharmacy school instead.
As luck would have it, the state hired me. I went through the law enforcement academy then, three weeks before graduation, I got a call for an interview for a federal law enforcement position in Dallas, TX. After much consideration, I decided that I wanted to give the job I had a fair shot and I passed on the interview, thinking that I had an opportunity to gain some experience before applying with the feds again later on.
At the time, I was 33 years old. To be eligible for a federal law enforcement position, you have to be hired before your 37th birthday. I figured I had plenty of time.
Time came and went and I was enjoying my job as a state law enforcement agent. I was tempted many times to apply with the feds, but I never did. I can't tell you how much time I spent looking at job descriptions and thinking about attending the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center. I looked at the life my best friend had as a federal employee and was once again tempted. I still did not apply.
Last week I attended a training session at which an FBI agent spoke. She showed pictures of the countries she had visited as part of her job and I once again felt that familiar tug. "I still have time," I thought. "I still have a year to go after this." Later, I told my husband about her and he could sense what I was thinking. "Is that what you want to do?" he asked. I thought for a second and responded, "It was once, but it isn't now." I realized in that moment, that if I was going to leave the job that I have now (which, by the way, allows me incredible flexibility and freedom) I was going to do so for a different dream.
I felt a little sad as I realized I was letting a dream die. But it is the right thing to do. I need to focus on other dreams, things I am actually more passionate about. So today is the day that I let go of a dream.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Back to BlogPaws!
I can't believe that BlogPaws 2011 is this week! It seemed so far away back in January when I registered and POOF here it is! I got so much out of BlogPaws West last year that motivated me to improve my pet related blog (which is why this blog has been so neglected!).
I came away from the conference feeling like I could change the world. Of course, that feeling comes and goes at times. After being with a shelter cat as he was euthanized due to his multiple health issues, I felt like I was completely helpless. Next thing I know, I'm featuring a different shelter pet every week on the blog and guess what? They're each getting adopted! My motivation was back!
Unfortunately, life gets in the way sometimes. My job can be quite demanding at times and it limits my time to blog and network. Then there are the times when work is a bit more routine and I have more time to think about my passion.
I'm taking time off work to attend the upcoming BlogPaws conference in Washington, D.C. It's the least I can do for myself! Sometimes you have to focus on what you love and that's what I'm doing this week. I know it will be worth the time and money it is taking to attend. Maybe I'll even learn enough to get myself a sponsor to next year's conference!
I came away from the conference feeling like I could change the world. Of course, that feeling comes and goes at times. After being with a shelter cat as he was euthanized due to his multiple health issues, I felt like I was completely helpless. Next thing I know, I'm featuring a different shelter pet every week on the blog and guess what? They're each getting adopted! My motivation was back!
Unfortunately, life gets in the way sometimes. My job can be quite demanding at times and it limits my time to blog and network. Then there are the times when work is a bit more routine and I have more time to think about my passion.
I'm taking time off work to attend the upcoming BlogPaws conference in Washington, D.C. It's the least I can do for myself! Sometimes you have to focus on what you love and that's what I'm doing this week. I know it will be worth the time and money it is taking to attend. Maybe I'll even learn enough to get myself a sponsor to next year's conference!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
My Boy Oscar
Three years ago today I lost my beautiful borzoi, Oscar, to cancer. Thinking about it still makes me cry. My heart broke every day for three weeks, from the day we got the diagnosis until the day I helped him go to the Rainbow Bridge. It feels just as raw today.
Oscar was not the first dog I had to have put down. My childhood dog, Crystal, had to be put down, but she was different. She was old and had a good, long life. It was sad, but not unexpected. Oscar was only 8 years old and I felt like cancer robbed him of many more good years-it certainly robbed me of them.
I watched him hobble around those three weeks, knowing what was coming. I spent many cold evenings sitting on the garage floor with him, because he didn't like to come inside. He got extra treats and tons of hugs. I even ordered a special dinner at a Mexican restaurant one night, knowing I would take half of it home to him.
I sat on the floor with him at the vet's office on Halloween day, 2007 while he passed on. The vet assured me that I was right, it was time. He had declined dramatically in those three weeks. I hope he's running in the fields at the Rainbow Bridge today, strong and brave, watching over me.
In his memory, I had a portrait painted last year by my wonderful friend BZTAT. It hangs in my dining room, where I can see it from the kitchen and living room. Seeing his smile on my wall every day makes me happy. It was some of the best money I ever spent. BZTAT also put together this wonderful video, "Love That Never Grows Old", which I am honored to say, contains Oscar's portrait (look for him around the 00:58 mark). It makes me feel good that other people are able to see his regal face, even if they don't know our story.
I love you Oscar dog. There will never be another like you. I'm glad we had that time together.
Oscar was not the first dog I had to have put down. My childhood dog, Crystal, had to be put down, but she was different. She was old and had a good, long life. It was sad, but not unexpected. Oscar was only 8 years old and I felt like cancer robbed him of many more good years-it certainly robbed me of them.
I watched him hobble around those three weeks, knowing what was coming. I spent many cold evenings sitting on the garage floor with him, because he didn't like to come inside. He got extra treats and tons of hugs. I even ordered a special dinner at a Mexican restaurant one night, knowing I would take half of it home to him.
I sat on the floor with him at the vet's office on Halloween day, 2007 while he passed on. The vet assured me that I was right, it was time. He had declined dramatically in those three weeks. I hope he's running in the fields at the Rainbow Bridge today, strong and brave, watching over me.
In his memory, I had a portrait painted last year by my wonderful friend BZTAT. It hangs in my dining room, where I can see it from the kitchen and living room. Seeing his smile on my wall every day makes me happy. It was some of the best money I ever spent. BZTAT also put together this wonderful video, "Love That Never Grows Old", which I am honored to say, contains Oscar's portrait (look for him around the 00:58 mark). It makes me feel good that other people are able to see his regal face, even if they don't know our story.
I love you Oscar dog. There will never be another like you. I'm glad we had that time together.
The last picture I took of Oscar.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
R.I.P. Ariel Marie
Ariel Marie is now at the Rainbow Bridge.She was at the shelter where I volunteer for just a short while. I can't tell you why exactly, but I fell in love with her. I never had the chance to pet her as she hadn't gotten her blood work done to be tested for various diseases and I didn't want to risk exposing my kitty at home to anything. She was always a little crabby and it took her a while to begin eating after being left there.
She was in the room called the "Kitty Den", a place not open to the public. She wasn't officially up for adoption because she was being boarded. Her family had lost their home and was not able to keep her. The shelter took her in with the understanding that after some time, she may be put up for adoption. Unfortunately, that wasn't able to happen.
When I went to the shelter this past week, I asked another volunteer about her and if she had been adopted. That's when I got the sad news. Apparently, Ariel Marie had quit eating and upon examination, she had many sores in her mouth that weren't healing. This reminded me of my kitty in Wichita who passed away in June. He had the same symptoms before he went to the Rainbow Bridge. In fact, that may be part of why I instantly took a liking to Ms. Ariel Marie. She bore a slight resemblance to my Rosie boy.
Rest well, Ariel Marie. I hope you and Rosie met at the bridge and are chasing bugs together until I am able to meet you there.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Am I A Good Enough Red Sox Fan For You?
Recently I have been bothered by some Red Sox fans on Twitter and how they seem to be judging other Red Sox fans. A big chunk of my following list is made up of members of Red Sox Nation. I enjoy seeing their tweets about the team and the games (since I rarely get to see the Red Sox on TV) but I don't like what I'm seeing in reference to other fans.
Many times I see a Red Sox fan react to what another fan has posted. It might have been a negative comment about a play that wasn't made, how the season is going or about the team in general. These other fans will then react by commenting on that fan's support of the team. They will imply that they aren't "real" fans. That's bullshit. The way I see it, I can see when a player isn't doing his best and point it out. Or if the team is on a losing streak, I can wonder when they're going to turn things around. I cheer for them and want them to win no matter what, but if they suck, I'm going to say it.
Another comment I see is regarding "pink hats". I can't tell you how childish I think these comments are. "Pink hat" is a negative term meaning a female fan who doesn't know anything about the game of baseball. They get their name from the color of baseball caps many female fans wear. Who are these people to judge? Does it matter if they don't understand the game inside and out? It's not like the game can be learned overnight. I figure, if they are a fan, they're a fan, no matter what their understanding of the game is. I don't care if they are only there to see the hot guy on the team (which, by the way, some of these so-called "real fans" babble on about as well). If they support the team and go to a game, that's all that matters. They are laying down the money for the merchandise, the ticket and everything else that goes along with seeing the team play.
As a matter of fact, I have a pink Red Sox visor. I also have a green one, a red one and a myriad of different caps, including the old school blue cap with the red "B". How do you know by the color of cap I'm wearing weather or not I understand the game of baseball and if I'm a "real fan" that meets your standards? You don't. But some fans pass judgment anyway.
Fans like this remind me of middle school. They think they are better than the other fans, that they know more about the team and the game. I say, if you want to be a true member of Red Sox Nation, be a little friendlier to the others who hold membership as well. Maybe they want to learn and you could be a good teacher. Enough judging. It makes us all look bad.
Many times I see a Red Sox fan react to what another fan has posted. It might have been a negative comment about a play that wasn't made, how the season is going or about the team in general. These other fans will then react by commenting on that fan's support of the team. They will imply that they aren't "real" fans. That's bullshit. The way I see it, I can see when a player isn't doing his best and point it out. Or if the team is on a losing streak, I can wonder when they're going to turn things around. I cheer for them and want them to win no matter what, but if they suck, I'm going to say it.
Another comment I see is regarding "pink hats". I can't tell you how childish I think these comments are. "Pink hat" is a negative term meaning a female fan who doesn't know anything about the game of baseball. They get their name from the color of baseball caps many female fans wear. Who are these people to judge? Does it matter if they don't understand the game inside and out? It's not like the game can be learned overnight. I figure, if they are a fan, they're a fan, no matter what their understanding of the game is. I don't care if they are only there to see the hot guy on the team (which, by the way, some of these so-called "real fans" babble on about as well). If they support the team and go to a game, that's all that matters. They are laying down the money for the merchandise, the ticket and everything else that goes along with seeing the team play.
As a matter of fact, I have a pink Red Sox visor. I also have a green one, a red one and a myriad of different caps, including the old school blue cap with the red "B". How do you know by the color of cap I'm wearing weather or not I understand the game of baseball and if I'm a "real fan" that meets your standards? You don't. But some fans pass judgment anyway.
Fans like this remind me of middle school. They think they are better than the other fans, that they know more about the team and the game. I say, if you want to be a true member of Red Sox Nation, be a little friendlier to the others who hold membership as well. Maybe they want to learn and you could be a good teacher. Enough judging. It makes us all look bad.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Penguins!
I was in Boston last month for a couple of weeks. Boston is a wonderful city filled with history and modern attractions right next to each other. Every time I am there, I marvel at all the city has to offer. Several years ago, during one of my first trips to Boston, my then-boyfriend and I visited the New England Aquarium. I had seen an ad declaring "Meet the Little Blues" referring to a particular type of penguin. Being an animal lover, I had to go. Our visit to the aquarium was based solely on this tag line.
On my most recent trip, I married my above-mentioned boyfriend. We have a unique relationship and have been together 15 years, just now taking "the plunge." Imagine my reaction when I was in the Park Street Station of the MBTA and saw this ad:
On my most recent trip, I married my above-mentioned boyfriend. We have a unique relationship and have been together 15 years, just now taking "the plunge." Imagine my reaction when I was in the Park Street Station of the MBTA and saw this ad:
It was so fitting for us! There were several others, just as amusing.
Whoever came up with this advertising campaign must be a genius! If you're in Boston or visiting soon, keep your eyes open for these ads. There are more than just my favorites that I've posted here. You'll see them not only at the Park Street Station, but also at other locations around town. I spotted Roast Beef on the reverse side of a Boston information sign on Tremont street near our hotel.
Thanks for the great ads, New England Aquarium! Maybe I can visit again the next time I'm in Boston.
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