Letting Go of a Dream

For many years, I longed to have a career in federal law enforcement, but today, on my 36th birthday, I am letting go of that dream.

I remember the first time I realized I wanted to be in federal law enforcement. I was in grad school, pursuing my Master's degree in Criminal Justice, planning to go to law school once I graduated. Then, in April of 2000, I watched the video of INS agents removing Elian Gonzalez from his relatives' home. That was the first real seed that was planted. That was when I gained some direction. I wanted to be an INS agent.

After graduating with my Master's degree, I applied for many different jobs in different branches of federal law enforcement. Each one was a long process. I tested for at least four different positions. I began to get frustrated with the process. A state law enforcement job presented itself and I applied, thinking that it would be the last law enforcement job I would apply for. If I didn't get the job, I decided I would go to pharmacy school instead.

As luck would have it, the state hired me. I went through the law enforcement academy then, three weeks before graduation, I got a call for an interview for a federal law enforcement position in Dallas, TX. After much consideration, I decided that I wanted to give the job I had a fair shot and I passed on the interview, thinking that I had an opportunity to gain some experience before applying with the feds again later on.

At the time, I was 33 years old. To be eligible for a federal law enforcement position, you have to be hired before your 37th birthday. I figured I had plenty of time.

Time came and went and I was enjoying my job as a state law enforcement agent. I was tempted many times to apply with the feds, but I never did. I can't tell you how much time I spent looking at job descriptions and thinking about attending the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center. I looked at the life my best friend had as a federal employee and was once again tempted. I still did not apply.

Last week I attended a training session at which an FBI agent spoke. She showed pictures of the countries she had visited as part of her job and I once again felt that familiar tug. "I still have time," I thought. "I still have a year to go after this." Later, I told my husband about her and he could sense what I was thinking. "Is that what you want to do?" he asked. I thought for a second and responded, "It was once, but it isn't now." I realized in that moment, that if I was going to leave the job that I have now (which, by the way, allows me incredible flexibility and freedom) I was going to do so for a different dream.

I felt a little sad as I realized I was letting a dream die. But it is the right thing to do. I need to focus on other dreams, things I am actually more passionate about. So today is the day that I let go of a dream.

Nice to meet you

I guess my first post on here should be a way for me to introduce myself. That way, people have some background on me in case I post something down the road that seems a little crazy!

First, I have recently gone through some major life changes. This time last year, I was working in a pharmacy in Wichita like I had for the past 14 years and was training for a marathon length walk to support cancer research. Within about a month, everything was turned upside down. I accepted a job in law enforcement that would move me to the Kansas City area. I began training for my new job in Topeka, living in a hotel-and out of a suitcase-during the week, then returning home on the weekends.

I continued to train for the walk, but at a reduced level. In September I went to Boston with my boyfriend to participate in the walk and for a little vacation. I did not finish the walk, but made it about 18 & 1/2 miles. While there, my boyfriend of 12 years and I became engaged. Yeah, I know, finally.

Upon returning from Boston I began to prepare for a 14 week stint at the Kansas Law Enforcement Training Center. Now, I am by no means a "tough" girl, but I'm not exactly a "girly" girl either. I was looking forward to the educational part of the academy. I have always enjoyed learning and loved my time getting my Master's degree in Criminal Justice. How different could this be? Wow, were my eyes opened! It was in no way a breeze. Although I finished 3rd in my class, it was hard work all the way. Not to mention learning to drive an emergency vehicle and fire weapons! I did learn a lot about myself there as well. I'm much stronger than I ever thought I was and I'm so glad I know that now.

After graduating from the academy in February of this year, I moved to my apartment in KC. I had to leave my old kitty, Rosie, in Wichita, not to mention my parents and fiance. I have never in my life lived by myself and wasn't sure how I would deal with that. Turns out that although I'm lonely because I don't know many people here to do things with (I've only made 2 friends so far), I enjoy having the place to myself. I felt the need to have something to care for, but didn't want to get a dog since I don't have a yard. I thought getting a cat would be a slap in the face to Rosie, so that was out too. Instead, I got myself a guinea pig. It took us a while to bond with each other, but we're finally friends.

I am spending a lot of time planning our upcoming wedding, which will take place in Boston on July 3, 2010. Why Boston? I'm pretty much in love with the city. I first went because I'm a Red Sox fan and had to see them play at Fenway. While there, I couldn't get enough of all the history. It's a beautiful setting and has so much to learn about. Because of my love of American history, we will be getting married at the Old State House which, among other things, was the site where the Declaration of Independence was first read publicly. That gives me chills!

Now, it has been difficult planning this wedding and I'm not the most patient person. With my fiance, Lee, in Wichita, me in KC and the ceremony taking place in Boston, I have been faced with some unique challenges. I don't know many people in the Boston area and am finding it difficult to make decisions about what vendors to use. It will all just become part of our story and will be worth it in the end.

These are just some of the many pieces of the puzzle that make me who I am. I hope that I am able to provide even more pieces in the future. They will probably not be as clear as these have been, but soon a clear picture will emerge!