Dad Update

It's been a pretty crappy 2 weeks since Dad was released from ICU. He hasn't been feeling well at all. Today we went to see his doctor at geriatrics.

After going over all of his meds, she decided to switch some things around. Stopping some, adding others.

We also talked at length about his diet and appetite. Dad hasn't been eating much at all since he came home. She told us we needed to change the way Dad eats. No more Breakfast-Lunch-Dinner. He needs to eat about 5 times a day and even though he will only eat a little at a time, it has to be purposeful. He needs to focus on protein. She gave me tons of good ideas for snack size foods that are high protein or can be made that way by adding Boost to them.

We also discussed Hospice. I've been worried that I'm jumping the gun by talking about it. She reassured me that it wasn't too early. She said most people wait too long to bring in Hospice, sometimes until the last week or so of a patient's life. She said that although death isn't imminent with Dad, he is showing a negative trend in many aspects. She explained that Hospice would be good support for me and that some even offered Chaplain services. Mom & Dad haven't been to church in months; having someone come in and offer ministry would be wonderful.

We will go back in 2 weeks for a follow up. They drew blood today, so we'll see what that shows us. We're also tracking Dad's weight. She wants him to gain a pound a week.

I feel so relieved after today's visit. I feel much more in control of the situation and I like knowing there are goals for us to work toward with Dad's health.

Please keep the prayers coming. Dad isn't scared of dying, but he doesn't want to suffer. I pray for his comfort and for clarity & courage for myself.

I know I need to take care of myself and really am trying. I've told people to do the same, but never realized how hard it can be to actually do. My mind is consumed with thoughts of what needs to be done and what might happen. I'm doing the best I can to try to relax when I have time, but it's easier said than done.

My KCversary

Five years ago today, I moved to Kansas City to start my new life. I remember when everybody left after helping me move and I was all alone in my new apartment. It was such an overwhelming mix of feelings. I was excited and scared. I was sad that I had to leave my family, my fiance, and my cat. I was thrilled to have a place all of my own.

Here I am, 5 years later and so much has changed. I lost that first apartment that was all mine to a fire. After spending a year in another apartment, I now own my own home. I'm now married to that fiance I left behind and my parents are living with me. The only thing I don't have back is my kitty who passed away 4 years ago.

I've stopped wondering how I got the job that moved me to KC. I've become a senior volunteer at Wayside Waifs. I've made wonderful friends I would never have met if I hadn't made the scary change.

Everything was so new and different 5 years ago. I've now fallen in love with Kansas City and consider it home. I can't wait to see what the next 5 years here will bring.

Cleaning Out My Purse

I decided to downsize my purse. For years, I have carried a large purse. I try to find ones that have lots of pockets to tuck different things into. I usually take a lot of crap from people, but if there's something I need, I can probably find it in my bag!

Lately, I have been leaving my purse at home. I guess I've found it to be a pain to carry around. Because of this, I decided that I didn't really need all that stuff I've been toting with me. I figured that meant I could get away with carrying something smaller.

While I was cleaning out my super-cute, if not oversized, leopard print bag, I found all kinds of goodies that I keep "just in case" I need them, but really never do. Here is a small sampling of those items:

• Rewards cards from many stores/restaurants along with their miniature keychain twins. I did away with the full sized cards and just kept the minis.
• Ten writing instruments. I decided to keep two in my new purse. You never know when one will die.
• Confetti from two different Aerosmith concerts.
• Guitar pick from a Cheap Trick concert.
• Two fortunes from Chinese fortune cookies.
• A sleeve of Ritz crackers. Mostly crumbs now.
• Dental floss AND plastic toothpicks.
• Three dollars in Bahamian money.
• The security code from when Lee's youngest brother was in ICU about 7 years ago.
• My social security card. I've been wondering where it was!
• An appointment card for Sebastian to visit the vet from 3 years ago.
• A bottle of hand sanitizer that was completely evaporated.
• A hotel room key.

Needless to say, I think I'll be okay not having those items in my new, smaller, sleeker bag. Which has leopard print on the inside.

The Word for 2014 is...

TRUST

 

This will be my reminder to trust myself: my intuition, my abilities, and my soul.

Welcome 2014!

2013 was a rough year. I struggled with depression for pretty much the entire year. There were many times when I thought it would never get better and I would spend my life in a fog of sadness, guilt, and melancholy.

Sometime in December, I finally felt the fog lift. I am hesitant to believe it will last, but I'm grateful for the weight that is off my chest, allowing me to enjoy life.

I am hopeful that 2014 will be better. I know there will be struggles. Between Dad's two types of cancer and Mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis, I'm going to be busy taking care of them. While I'm caring for them, I'm going to try to remember to be grateful for the opportunity to have them close.

It was hard for me to take care of myself this year. Hell, it was hard for me to take a shower sometimes. I want to do a better job of that in 2014. My body needs better nutrition, much more activity, and attempts at serenity. In order to reach that goal, I'm going to try yoga. I don't know if I'll stick with it (I won't feel bad about it if I don't) but I'm at least going to give it a try.

I haven't met my reading goals for the last two years. It's been hard for me to sit and enjoy a book. I'm going to try to get back on track in the new year. I love to read and can't wait to have that piece of happiness back. I have stacks of books just waiting for me to open them up and get lost in them.

Of course, there are the kitties. Not just mine, but the ones at Wayside Waifs. I hope to give them all the love they need.

I wish for all of my friends and family a happy, healthy, and enjoyable new year.

My Christmas Wish

I've always loved Christmas. All the sparkle and lights make me giddy. I've been looking forward to having our first Christmas in our new home since we first found it. I was planning on where to put our tree before the other owner's furniture was even gone.

Now that's it's here, I'm not as joyful as I had hoped. I'm trying, though. I'm grasping at every little bit of holiday cheer that I can.

I have a lot to look forward to in the next month. First, a friend is coming to visit for a long weekend. The next weekend, my nephew and his family will be here to celebrate Christmas. Then, on Christmas Eve, my niece and her family are coming and will spend the night with us.

My wish for the season is that I'm able to be in the moment for all of these events. They will be so full of fun and love; I don't want to miss out on that. I feel like I'm missing out on so much by spending so much time and effort fighting depression. I miss life.

That's all I want for Christmas.

Time to Take a New Step

I've been thinking about this for a while, but I'm finally going to do it. Tomorrow I'm going to call my doctor and ask her to recommend a therapist.

Things are incredibly stressful at home. My Mom isn't doing well at all. Her memory is getting worse and of course, she doesn't realize it. When I point something out that we've talked about, she insists that we haven't and gets mad at me. We all walk on eggshells around her but she's in a foul mood almost all of the time. I'm going to call her doctor as well and see if we can get her scheduled sooner to go in for testing.

Because of all of the tension, hubby and I are not getting along. Sometimes it's an all-out argument, but usually it's snapping at each other or cold treatment. Our littlest kitty, Lowenstein, hasn't been well lately. We're sure it's due to the tension. He's a very sensitive boy and he's bound to pick up on all the negativity.

I feel like I need a new way to cope with all of this. I hope seeing a therapist can help. I'm sure it will help me deal with my depression and any amount of relief will be welcome.