Cleaning Out My Purse

I decided to downsize my purse. For years, I have carried a large purse. I try to find ones that have lots of pockets to tuck different things into. I usually take a lot of crap from people, but if there's something I need, I can probably find it in my bag!

Lately, I have been leaving my purse at home. I guess I've found it to be a pain to carry around. Because of this, I decided that I didn't really need all that stuff I've been toting with me. I figured that meant I could get away with carrying something smaller.

While I was cleaning out my super-cute, if not oversized, leopard print bag, I found all kinds of goodies that I keep "just in case" I need them, but really never do. Here is a small sampling of those items:

• Rewards cards from many stores/restaurants along with their miniature keychain twins. I did away with the full sized cards and just kept the minis.
• Ten writing instruments. I decided to keep two in my new purse. You never know when one will die.
• Confetti from two different Aerosmith concerts.
• Guitar pick from a Cheap Trick concert.
• Two fortunes from Chinese fortune cookies.
• A sleeve of Ritz crackers. Mostly crumbs now.
• Dental floss AND plastic toothpicks.
• Three dollars in Bahamian money.
• The security code from when Lee's youngest brother was in ICU about 7 years ago.
• My social security card. I've been wondering where it was!
• An appointment card for Sebastian to visit the vet from 3 years ago.
• A bottle of hand sanitizer that was completely evaporated.
• A hotel room key.

Needless to say, I think I'll be okay not having those items in my new, smaller, sleeker bag. Which has leopard print on the inside.

The Word for 2014 is...

TRUST

 

This will be my reminder to trust myself: my intuition, my abilities, and my soul.

Welcome 2014!

2013 was a rough year. I struggled with depression for pretty much the entire year. There were many times when I thought it would never get better and I would spend my life in a fog of sadness, guilt, and melancholy.

Sometime in December, I finally felt the fog lift. I am hesitant to believe it will last, but I'm grateful for the weight that is off my chest, allowing me to enjoy life.

I am hopeful that 2014 will be better. I know there will be struggles. Between Dad's two types of cancer and Mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis, I'm going to be busy taking care of them. While I'm caring for them, I'm going to try to remember to be grateful for the opportunity to have them close.

It was hard for me to take care of myself this year. Hell, it was hard for me to take a shower sometimes. I want to do a better job of that in 2014. My body needs better nutrition, much more activity, and attempts at serenity. In order to reach that goal, I'm going to try yoga. I don't know if I'll stick with it (I won't feel bad about it if I don't) but I'm at least going to give it a try.

I haven't met my reading goals for the last two years. It's been hard for me to sit and enjoy a book. I'm going to try to get back on track in the new year. I love to read and can't wait to have that piece of happiness back. I have stacks of books just waiting for me to open them up and get lost in them.

Of course, there are the kitties. Not just mine, but the ones at Wayside Waifs. I hope to give them all the love they need.

I wish for all of my friends and family a happy, healthy, and enjoyable new year.

My Christmas Wish

I've always loved Christmas. All the sparkle and lights make me giddy. I've been looking forward to having our first Christmas in our new home since we first found it. I was planning on where to put our tree before the other owner's furniture was even gone.

Now that's it's here, I'm not as joyful as I had hoped. I'm trying, though. I'm grasping at every little bit of holiday cheer that I can.

I have a lot to look forward to in the next month. First, a friend is coming to visit for a long weekend. The next weekend, my nephew and his family will be here to celebrate Christmas. Then, on Christmas Eve, my niece and her family are coming and will spend the night with us.

My wish for the season is that I'm able to be in the moment for all of these events. They will be so full of fun and love; I don't want to miss out on that. I feel like I'm missing out on so much by spending so much time and effort fighting depression. I miss life.

That's all I want for Christmas.

Time to Take a New Step

I've been thinking about this for a while, but I'm finally going to do it. Tomorrow I'm going to call my doctor and ask her to recommend a therapist.

Things are incredibly stressful at home. My Mom isn't doing well at all. Her memory is getting worse and of course, she doesn't realize it. When I point something out that we've talked about, she insists that we haven't and gets mad at me. We all walk on eggshells around her but she's in a foul mood almost all of the time. I'm going to call her doctor as well and see if we can get her scheduled sooner to go in for testing.

Because of all of the tension, hubby and I are not getting along. Sometimes it's an all-out argument, but usually it's snapping at each other or cold treatment. Our littlest kitty, Lowenstein, hasn't been well lately. We're sure it's due to the tension. He's a very sensitive boy and he's bound to pick up on all the negativity.

I feel like I need a new way to cope with all of this. I hope seeing a therapist can help. I'm sure it will help me deal with my depression and any amount of relief will be welcome.

The Difficulty That Is Life

On one level, I've been feeling much better lately. I don't feel depressed as often and my anxiety is completely under control.

Then there is the other level. Life is hard right now. I want so badly to go off by myself and cry.

Mom's memory is getting worse. I have to explain Dad's health issues to her over and over again. I have to remind her to not feed the cats at night. She forgets something that I've told her not more that 10 minutes before. It breaks my heart to have to go through this with her.

I don't even know where to start when it comes to Dad's health. We don't have the full picture yet, but the things they're checking on scare me. He's my daddy and I don't want him to be sick.

We're still struggling financially even though Lee is back to work. I know we have more than many people do, but I hate worrying about the bills all the time.

None of this is out of the ordinary and there are certainly other people out there dealing with the same stuff-or worse! Still, I can't help but wish I could have a break. Just a breather, some time without someone needing something from me.

Until that time comes, I'll just have to keep going.

Dad Update

Dad recently had an appointment with his cardiologist. During this visit, they did a chest x-ray. The radiologist spotted something that caught his attention and made him want to look further. So they followed up with a CT scan. The scan showed something on his left lung. Dad already had an appointment set up with his oncologist today, so the cardiologist sent the reports and told Dad to discuss them at this visit.

Today I went with Mom & Dad to his appointment. The doctor showed us the CT scans and pointed out the spot on Dad's lung that is concerning. He said it is probably a tumor, but more testing was necessary to be sure. First, they will do a PET scan. They will follow that with a biopsy. These tests will probably take place in the next 2 to 3 weeks.

If it is in fact cancer, they will have to look at some other factors in deciding how to treat it. Dad also has a MUGA scan tomorrow to determine if his heart is pumping blood properly. If it isn't, surgery for the lung tumor will not be an option. They would have to use radiation and chemotherapy.

Right now, things look pretty positive. The good news from today is that Dad's Multiple Myeloma is in remission still. The doctor would like to put Dad on a small daily dose of Revlimid to help keep it in remission, but we have to deal with the heart and lung issues first. If Dad ends up having chemo for lung cancer, the doctor says that will serve a dual purpose. Not only will it treat the tumor, but will help keep the blood cancer in remission as well.

Please keep all the good thoughts coming! I'll continue to update as we know more.