Hello 2017. It's Time to Simplify.

A new year has arrived and I'm very thankful. 2016 was rough to say the least. There were times I didn't think I would survive it.

Mom's Alzheimer's got considerably worse. Lee was home with her all the time and it was really wearing him down. She was just mean to him. He had no one to vent to besides me, but I hated hearing about it every day. It started taking a toll on our relationship. We were at each other's throats.

Enter financial difficulties. That alone can strain a marriage. He couldn't work because Mom couldn't be left alone for long. I couldn't keep up with our bills plus Mom's. Something had to change.

My anxiety and depression got out of control. I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. When I got home from work I just wanted to hide in my room. I prayed for relief. I prayed for help. I begged God to make things better. When the struggles continued, I felt abandoned. I remember laying in bed in the spare bedroom, crying, wishing I would just die, just not wake up in the morning. I couldn't keep going on.

Enter an angel. My Aunt Nancy. Now Aunt Nancy has always had a special place in my life, from as far back as I can remember. When Dad got sick, she was always there.  She was always there for me with Mom's illness, too. I knew I could count on her if I needed anything.

When her daughter, my cousin Rhonda, passed away over the summer, I felt like I had been betrayed by God once again. She and I had developed a special relationship and I was crushed. She was my champion and now she was gone. Not only that, but Aunt Nancy had lost her daughter and I couldn't imagine her pain. It wasn't fair for God to do that to someone I loved so much.

You know what? It didn't stop Aunt Nancy from being there for me.

I knew I couldn't keep Mom with me any more. It was going to destroy my marriage and I would lose my sanity. The passive suicidal ideations scared me. I was afraid I was a blink away from becoming suicidal or having a complete breakdown and ending up in the hospital. I tried to come up with a plan for Mom. Assisted living, senior apartment complex, even living with my cousin in Oklahoma (God bless her, she was willing to let her) were all options, none of them good. That's when Aunt Nancy offered to let Mom live with her.

I was torn. I was afraid of what the rest of the family would think. Would they feel like I was shirking my duty as a daughter? Would they resent me for putting this on my aunt's shoulders? It was more stress.

By this point, I was back in therapy, trying to save myself. I put our house on the market and time was short. I took Aunt Nancy up on her offer. It was a rough move for Mom, but it was the right thing to do. Lee and I were then able to pack ourselves up. It was a rush job because our house sold the second day on the market. I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, although I wasn't completely convinced that it wasn't a freight train.

After a stressful move, we are now settled into our apartment. Frankly, I don't know if I ever want to own a home again. I'm so glad we downsized. Things feel so much more managable.

I know things won't be perfectly smooth, but they are certainly looking up. I'm planning to keep things going in this direction by reminding myself of my word for 2017: Simplify.

We've simplified our living situation. It's time to simplify our stuff, too. We ended up with 2 storage units to hold all of our stuff and that's just more than we need. I'm looking forward to paring all of that down as well.

Simplifying our life will hopefully leave me with time to properly thank all of the people who were behind me. It will give me the ability to answer the door when opportunity knocks. And it will help me focus on my mental health.

Oriental Broccoli Slaw

I love making this slaw and taking to family gatherings. It's easy to make a large amount and you really can't screw it up. Quite often, somebody asks me for the recipe, but I'm bad about getting it to them. With it here, all I have to say is "Check out my blog!"

Oriental Broccoli Slaw

Ingredients

• 1 bag broccoli slaw mix
• green onions (for garnish)
• 1/4 cup pine nuts
• 1/4 cup sunflower seeds
• 1/4 cup brown sugar (white will work)
• 3/4 cup oil (vegetable or canola)
• 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1/2 stick butter
• 1 pack Ramen noodles, oriental flavor

Melt about 1/2 stick of butter in a large skillet.

Open the noodles and place them in a plastic zip top bag. Reserve the seasoning packet for the dressing. Crush the noodles with a rolling pin.

Place crushed noodles and pine nuts in the skillet with melted butter. Saute over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until toasted. Don't let the pine nuts burn!

Meanwhile, whisk together the brown sugar, oil, vinegar, and seasoning packet for the dressing.

Place the broccoli slaw in a large bowl and toss with the sunflower seeds and the sauteed noodles and pine nuts. Pour the dressing over the slaw and mix well until coated.

Garnish with chopped green onions. Cover and refrigerate until dinner. The flavor gets even better the next day, but it loses its crunch.

Some variations:

• I see many recipes that use sliced or slivered almonds instead of the pine nuts I use. Almonds are much less expensive than pine nuts, so they can be a good alternative.
• If you want to make more, use 2 bags of slaw and 2 bags of noodles. Don't change the recipe for the dressing though, it makes enough as it is to coat double the amount of slaw.
• If you are taking this on the road, you can make the two parts the day before, then assemble them the next day at your destination. This way the slaw is still good and crunchy. Like I said above though, the flavor is great the next day if you don't mind less crunch.

Something to Get Off My Chest

As long as this is stewing in my mind, I might as well put it out there.

Earlier this week I had my annual review. Nothing surprising until my supervisor got to the part about my "attitude." The box was marked "NI". Needs improvement. I was a bit shocked.

I'm not one to bitch and moan in agency meetings. In fact, for the most part, I just sit back and listen. I get along with everyone I work with and treat everybody respectfully. My mind was spinning and I couldn't figure out what I had done.

Then he told me. It was because of a Facebook post around election time where I made clear I wasn't pleased about the re-election of our governor. He said there was "scuttlebutt" about the post and that even though it was my private page (where I don't have listed where I work) I should be careful about what I say. I was taken aback enough that I didn't say much more than "Oh, okay." But then I started to think.

What the fuck was wrong with what I said? I didn't vote for the guy and really hoped nobody else would either. When it was clear he won the race, I was disappointed and saw bad things coming (they have started already, by the way). I said it was time to leave government work and go into the private sector. And I meant it, still do. It wasn't anything that I wouldn't say out loud, either.

Screenshot of actual post. Click to biggify.

Now, here's the thing. I'm friends with a handful of people from work on Facebook. This incident pissed me off enough that I added all but one of those people to my "restricted" list. They can only see posts that I mark as "Public." If they don't like what I have to say, fuck 'em. They don't need to see it. But now I'm rethinking that move. Frankly, I'd rather not be FB friends at all with someone who would piss and moan-behind my back-about what I've posted. Since I'm not sure who it was (or how many of them for that matter) this seemed to be the easiest way to handle the situation.

I don't post a lot of things about politics or religion because I know that people can get hurt feelings, but what I do post, I mean. My page isn't all kitty cats, all the time. I've got to take a stand on things once in a while. If someone takes issue with that, too bad.

I don't think this should have come back on me during my official review. Just because I don't like our governor nor the outlook for our state doesn't mean I have a bad attitude or low morale about my job. It doesn't help mind you, but the agency is about more than just the governor. In fact, he has very little to do with my job.

Maybe they should look at the fact that I don't get as much support as I would like from my superiors, but I find others to help me when I need it, or the fact that I roll with the changes in the agency as well as, or maybe even better than, anyone else. I could have a very pissy attitude and this made me want to put it on display so they could see what Amy-With-A-Bad-Attitude would really be like.

But I won't. I'll just keep my head down and do my job while I hope the Next Great Thing comes along.

Welcome to 2015

Like many others, I hope 2015 is better than 2014. I believe things are already headed that direction. My mental health is much better than it was at the beginning of 2014. That being said, I wish for inner peace this year. I wish for many things, actually, but they all lead to peace.

My word for 2015 is breathe. I tossed several around and with some help from my dear friend Connie, I settled on this one. When things get to be too much or I feel overwhelmed, I will remind myself to breathe.

Countdown to Halloween 2014

HALLOWEEN IS ONLY 89 DAYS AWAY!

Not that I'm counting. It's hard not to notice since the stores are beginning to put out Halloween decorations, though. So far I've seen spooky stuff in Gordman's, Holiday Magic at Crown Center, Nebraska Furniture Mart, and Cracker Barrel. That's right. The home cooking restaurant with the rocking chairs out front has Halloween decor.

There was a lot of cool stuff that I'd love to add to my collection. These pillows at NFM were fun.

Of course my love of words drew me to all of these at Gordman's.

I actually got my Halloween mask at Cracker Barrel. I can't give it away, but they had a lot of other great stuff I can share with you.

I could probably max out my NFM card just on Halloween goodies.

I didn't, of course, but I did come home with a few new items. The skull and the two pictures light up!

I would have bought this, but the sentiment didn't seem very sincere, coming from me. I actually hate candy corn, so it wouldn't be a stretch to love anybody more than that sickeningly sweet, chewy material.

I can't wait to see what else I find in the coming weeks!

My Daddy

It's been three weeks today since Dad died. I must say, it's been easier than I thought it would be to work through my grief. I miss him, of course, but his essence was already gone the last few months of his life. I started missing him while he was still alive.

I was shown so much kindness during Dad's illness and passing that I could never express my gratitude fully. The best I can do is share my daddy with you, the way he was before he got sick. I was thinking of speaking at his funeral, but decided against it. Here are the words I wrote about him. I hope it shows you what a wonderful person he was and how much he meant to me.

First, I’d like to thank all of you for being here. Your support, love, and sympathy have meant so much to us; not just since Dad’s passing, but in the months preceding his death as well.

My Dad was the smartest person I know. He taught me a lot of different things: He taught me how to read, he taught me how to train a dog, and he taught me how to drive a car. But the most important thing he taught me was to appreciate knowledge.

Dad dropped out of high school in the 10^th grade and went on to get his GED, but that had nothing to do with how smart he was. What made him smart was his love of learning. He asked questions. If he knew a person had a job or a hobby that he didn’t know much about, he would pick their brain. The restaurant and the barber shop afforded him the luxury of meeting many people from different walks of life and he truly wanted to know what they knew.

A few years ago I was feeling badly because I wasn’t using my degree. He told me that I shouldn’t feel bad because education was never wasted. He also told me once that I should try to learn something new every day. Now, there have been some days when I learned something new early in the day and thought “Okay, I’m done. I can go back to bed.”

The most important thing he told me was that I should try to leave the world in better shape than when I came into it. I have taken that to heart. Dad certainly accomplished that and I hope that since he passed on his love of learning to me, that I will be able to do the same.

I'm Ready to Get Off This Ride

Today has been such a roller coaster of emotions. Depression, anger, sadness, guilt.

Taking care of Dad has been harder than I thought it would be. It has triggered some anxiety (which had been under control) and has made me doubt myself as a caretaker.

My depression has eased up for the most part since after Christmas, but today it came roaring back. I feel like I can't do this, can't care for Dad day after day and keep up with all that is needed. I even felt like I didn't want to do it anymore. Why did this have to happen? The unfairness of it all had me wanting to run away. I was already feeling guilty about stuff I didn't get done for work; how could I do it all?

Then the sadness started. It washed over me. I want to pursue my dreams, but I can't. There isn't time or resources. Why couldn't I go back in time to when it was just me and Sebastian living alone? The tears fell.

Then Dad called out, "Can anybody hear me? I have to go to the bathroom." My heart sank. How could I consider not doing this job? My Daddy needs me. It breaks my heart knowing he is living like this. He doesn't deserve it. That's the part that is really unfair. I felt guilty for my earlier selfishness.

I hate the way life is going right now. I know it will get better some day, but I wish it was better now.

Dad Update

It's been a pretty crappy 2 weeks since Dad was released from ICU. He hasn't been feeling well at all. Today we went to see his doctor at geriatrics.

After going over all of his meds, she decided to switch some things around. Stopping some, adding others.

We also talked at length about his diet and appetite. Dad hasn't been eating much at all since he came home. She told us we needed to change the way Dad eats. No more Breakfast-Lunch-Dinner. He needs to eat about 5 times a day and even though he will only eat a little at a time, it has to be purposeful. He needs to focus on protein. She gave me tons of good ideas for snack size foods that are high protein or can be made that way by adding Boost to them.

We also discussed Hospice. I've been worried that I'm jumping the gun by talking about it. She reassured me that it wasn't too early. She said most people wait too long to bring in Hospice, sometimes until the last week or so of a patient's life. She said that although death isn't imminent with Dad, he is showing a negative trend in many aspects. She explained that Hospice would be good support for me and that some even offered Chaplain services. Mom & Dad haven't been to church in months; having someone come in and offer ministry would be wonderful.

We will go back in 2 weeks for a follow up. They drew blood today, so we'll see what that shows us. We're also tracking Dad's weight. She wants him to gain a pound a week.

I feel so relieved after today's visit. I feel much more in control of the situation and I like knowing there are goals for us to work toward with Dad's health.

Please keep the prayers coming. Dad isn't scared of dying, but he doesn't want to suffer. I pray for his comfort and for clarity & courage for myself.

I know I need to take care of myself and really am trying. I've told people to do the same, but never realized how hard it can be to actually do. My mind is consumed with thoughts of what needs to be done and what might happen. I'm doing the best I can to try to relax when I have time, but it's easier said than done.

My KCversary

Five years ago today, I moved to Kansas City to start my new life. I remember when everybody left after helping me move and I was all alone in my new apartment. It was such an overwhelming mix of feelings. I was excited and scared. I was sad that I had to leave my family, my fiance, and my cat. I was thrilled to have a place all of my own.

Here I am, 5 years later and so much has changed. I lost that first apartment that was all mine to a fire. After spending a year in another apartment, I now own my own home. I'm now married to that fiance I left behind and my parents are living with me. The only thing I don't have back is my kitty who passed away 4 years ago.

I've stopped wondering how I got the job that moved me to KC. I've become a senior volunteer at Wayside Waifs. I've made wonderful friends I would never have met if I hadn't made the scary change.

Everything was so new and different 5 years ago. I've now fallen in love with Kansas City and consider it home. I can't wait to see what the next 5 years here will bring.

Cleaning Out My Purse

I decided to downsize my purse. For years, I have carried a large purse. I try to find ones that have lots of pockets to tuck different things into. I usually take a lot of crap from people, but if there's something I need, I can probably find it in my bag!

Lately, I have been leaving my purse at home. I guess I've found it to be a pain to carry around. Because of this, I decided that I didn't really need all that stuff I've been toting with me. I figured that meant I could get away with carrying something smaller.

While I was cleaning out my super-cute, if not oversized, leopard print bag, I found all kinds of goodies that I keep "just in case" I need them, but really never do. Here is a small sampling of those items:

• Rewards cards from many stores/restaurants along with their miniature keychain twins. I did away with the full sized cards and just kept the minis.
• Ten writing instruments. I decided to keep two in my new purse. You never know when one will die.
• Confetti from two different Aerosmith concerts.
• Guitar pick from a Cheap Trick concert.
• Two fortunes from Chinese fortune cookies.
• A sleeve of Ritz crackers. Mostly crumbs now.
• Dental floss AND plastic toothpicks.
• Three dollars in Bahamian money.
• The security code from when Lee's youngest brother was in ICU about 7 years ago.
• My social security card. I've been wondering where it was!
• An appointment card for Sebastian to visit the vet from 3 years ago.
• A bottle of hand sanitizer that was completely evaporated.
• A hotel room key.

Needless to say, I think I'll be okay not having those items in my new, smaller, sleeker bag. Which has leopard print on the inside.

The Word for 2014 is...

TRUST

 

This will be my reminder to trust myself: my intuition, my abilities, and my soul.

Welcome 2014!

2013 was a rough year. I struggled with depression for pretty much the entire year. There were many times when I thought it would never get better and I would spend my life in a fog of sadness, guilt, and melancholy.

Sometime in December, I finally felt the fog lift. I am hesitant to believe it will last, but I'm grateful for the weight that is off my chest, allowing me to enjoy life.

I am hopeful that 2014 will be better. I know there will be struggles. Between Dad's two types of cancer and Mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis, I'm going to be busy taking care of them. While I'm caring for them, I'm going to try to remember to be grateful for the opportunity to have them close.

It was hard for me to take care of myself this year. Hell, it was hard for me to take a shower sometimes. I want to do a better job of that in 2014. My body needs better nutrition, much more activity, and attempts at serenity. In order to reach that goal, I'm going to try yoga. I don't know if I'll stick with it (I won't feel bad about it if I don't) but I'm at least going to give it a try.

I haven't met my reading goals for the last two years. It's been hard for me to sit and enjoy a book. I'm going to try to get back on track in the new year. I love to read and can't wait to have that piece of happiness back. I have stacks of books just waiting for me to open them up and get lost in them.

Of course, there are the kitties. Not just mine, but the ones at Wayside Waifs. I hope to give them all the love they need.

I wish for all of my friends and family a happy, healthy, and enjoyable new year.

My Christmas Wish

I've always loved Christmas. All the sparkle and lights make me giddy. I've been looking forward to having our first Christmas in our new home since we first found it. I was planning on where to put our tree before the other owner's furniture was even gone.

Now that's it's here, I'm not as joyful as I had hoped. I'm trying, though. I'm grasping at every little bit of holiday cheer that I can.

I have a lot to look forward to in the next month. First, a friend is coming to visit for a long weekend. The next weekend, my nephew and his family will be here to celebrate Christmas. Then, on Christmas Eve, my niece and her family are coming and will spend the night with us.

My wish for the season is that I'm able to be in the moment for all of these events. They will be so full of fun and love; I don't want to miss out on that. I feel like I'm missing out on so much by spending so much time and effort fighting depression. I miss life.

That's all I want for Christmas.

Time to Take a New Step

I've been thinking about this for a while, but I'm finally going to do it. Tomorrow I'm going to call my doctor and ask her to recommend a therapist.

Things are incredibly stressful at home. My Mom isn't doing well at all. Her memory is getting worse and of course, she doesn't realize it. When I point something out that we've talked about, she insists that we haven't and gets mad at me. We all walk on eggshells around her but she's in a foul mood almost all of the time. I'm going to call her doctor as well and see if we can get her scheduled sooner to go in for testing.

Because of all of the tension, hubby and I are not getting along. Sometimes it's an all-out argument, but usually it's snapping at each other or cold treatment. Our littlest kitty, Lowenstein, hasn't been well lately. We're sure it's due to the tension. He's a very sensitive boy and he's bound to pick up on all the negativity.

I feel like I need a new way to cope with all of this. I hope seeing a therapist can help. I'm sure it will help me deal with my depression and any amount of relief will be welcome.

The Difficulty That Is Life

On one level, I've been feeling much better lately. I don't feel depressed as often and my anxiety is completely under control.

Then there is the other level. Life is hard right now. I want so badly to go off by myself and cry.

Mom's memory is getting worse. I have to explain Dad's health issues to her over and over again. I have to remind her to not feed the cats at night. She forgets something that I've told her not more that 10 minutes before. It breaks my heart to have to go through this with her.

I don't even know where to start when it comes to Dad's health. We don't have the full picture yet, but the things they're checking on scare me. He's my daddy and I don't want him to be sick.

We're still struggling financially even though Lee is back to work. I know we have more than many people do, but I hate worrying about the bills all the time.

None of this is out of the ordinary and there are certainly other people out there dealing with the same stuff-or worse! Still, I can't help but wish I could have a break. Just a breather, some time without someone needing something from me.

Until that time comes, I'll just have to keep going.

Dad Update

Dad recently had an appointment with his cardiologist. During this visit, they did a chest x-ray. The radiologist spotted something that caught his attention and made him want to look further. So they followed up with a CT scan. The scan showed something on his left lung. Dad already had an appointment set up with his oncologist today, so the cardiologist sent the reports and told Dad to discuss them at this visit.

Today I went with Mom & Dad to his appointment. The doctor showed us the CT scans and pointed out the spot on Dad's lung that is concerning. He said it is probably a tumor, but more testing was necessary to be sure. First, they will do a PET scan. They will follow that with a biopsy. These tests will probably take place in the next 2 to 3 weeks.

If it is in fact cancer, they will have to look at some other factors in deciding how to treat it. Dad also has a MUGA scan tomorrow to determine if his heart is pumping blood properly. If it isn't, surgery for the lung tumor will not be an option. They would have to use radiation and chemotherapy.

Right now, things look pretty positive. The good news from today is that Dad's Multiple Myeloma is in remission still. The doctor would like to put Dad on a small daily dose of Revlimid to help keep it in remission, but we have to deal with the heart and lung issues first. If Dad ends up having chemo for lung cancer, the doctor says that will serve a dual purpose. Not only will it treat the tumor, but will help keep the blood cancer in remission as well.

Please keep all the good thoughts coming! I'll continue to update as we know more.

One Year Without My Baby

It's hard to believe that a year ago today, I had to give the go ahead to have Sebastian euthanized. It had been a roller coaster week; first thinking we had a diagnosis, then we didn't; every day a new test with inconclusive results; thinking he was getting better, then being told he would have to stay in the hospital "another day".

 When we finally took him home on Friday, I hoped that familiar surroundings would make him more comfortable and that he would start to eat. Unfortunately, he didn't. I syringe fed him and every time I hated myself for it. He obviously didn't want it, but I wanted him to rally, to fight. His little body just couldn't.

As I sat in the bathroom with him, watching his labored breathing, I knew neither he nor I could go on like that. I didn't want to give up, but I couldn't let him linger any longer.

I know that the decision I made to help him to the Rainbow Bridge was the right one. It still feels completely unfair to me, though.

We only had two years together. He was only nine years old. He didn't get to move into the house I promised him and we eventually bought. I didn't get to have him there to cuddle with on the hard days. Funny, the times I needed him the most to comfort me were the days that were a struggle because I missed him so much.

I know as pet owners, this is what we have to go through. This loss has been so much harder on me though. I've told people that as hard as the fire was, I'd rather go through that 10 times than have to lose my Sebastian.

My heart still feels ripped apart. The emptiness is sometimes a dull ache, sometimes a quick sting, and other times an acute pain that seems to be unending.

I've had friends who have recently lost beloved pets. I pray for them that they don't grieve the way I have, that they find comfort quicker than I have.

Although the emotions are still raw, I'm ever so grateful to have had such an amazing soul in my life. I was blessed with a muse, a friend, and a daily comfort. As much as it hurts, I wouldn't go back and not have that precious boy in my life to avoid the pain.

We'll meet again someday. It will feel like forever to me, but for him it will happen in the blink of an eye. Then we'll spend eternity together.

Hard Days Ahead

Last night it hit me that the one year anniversary of Sebastian's passing is coming up in a couple of weeks-June 16 to be exact. Needless to say, when I realized how close it was, I lost it. Sadness & despair washed over me and I started crying, hard.

I so wish I could stop time. I don't want it to be that long ago that Seb was with me; sitting on my lap, cuddling with me in bed, meowing at me to pick him up and hold him. I feel like the more time that passes, the less real he becomes. I would give anything to have him back. I want to hear his purr again and be able to give him kisses-right on the lips the way he liked them.

 

I know the next two weeks are going to be very difficult for me. The anticipation of the date will be gut-wrenching. My doctor reminded me during our last visit that if I felt I was going through a difficult time, I could increase my dose of Lexapro so I'm going to start taking an extra half tablet today. I'm going to try to remember to take care of myself and do things that I enjoy.

Sebastian would want me to keep helping homeless pets, so I'm going to make a point of volunteering in his memory. I know that no matter how deep my grief is, I can't bring him back. But I can use my love for him to do good in the world.

Broken Hearted for Boston

Everyone knows what happened in Boston on Patriots' Day near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. No need to rehash the disturbing details. Most people who know me also know what Boston means to me. I love the city and think of it as my second home. I have made wonderful friends there to go along with all of the wonderful memories.

I've been visiting Boston for many years now. I'm so comfortable there, I can give directions to tourists and recommend places to visit to others. My husband and I got engaged there, then two years later we were married there. It holds a very special place in my heart.

When I heard the news, I knew that I would have friends at the marathon. My first thought was of my friend Paul (@paulrharvey3). Out of all of my friends there, I figured he was most likely to be there. Luckily, I saw him tweeting right away that he was okay. He had been at the race, but left before the explosion happened.

I began going through my "Boston" list on Twitter to see which of my friends had been tweeting that they were unharmed. I was happy to see friends like Michelle (@grrlysquirrel75) and Bonnie (@lilyluwhot) tweeting that they were okay, too. I started to get sick to my stomach though. I didn't see tweets from my dear friend Pecan (@lilpecan) so I texted her. It took a little while, but she responded with news that she had been at the race, but was fine.

I continued to check on friends the rest of the day. I can't describe my relief to know everyone I care about in Boston was safe. I don't know what I would do without any of these people in my life.

This morning when I woke up, I remembered yesterday's events. My stomach was no longer sick, but my heart was. So many of my dear friends are living through these events, up close and personal. I can't be there for them, but I can send positive thoughts and much, much love.

Kansas may be many miles away, but Boston and all of its people are in my heart. We will carry on.

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